Snippets from my life as a medical student

What am I all about...

2006-03-03T14:09:00.000-08:00

I have noticed that the simple things like watching movies or t.v just don't make me happy anymore. I am craving something else...something..hm..i don't know..something more energetic or refreshing. The most striking change has been in my lack of interest in sleep. 3 weeks ago, I couldn't get through a day on 4-5 hrs of sleep. I have been sleeping only 4 hrs a night for the past 3 days. I guess I am struggling with the basic need of making myself happy. Maybe all med. students go through this phase. I think a lot of my classmates are in the closet about their depression.

Anyways, the pressure and stress of medicine never really abates....hmm...you know what, mastery of medicine makes me happy. Wow, I never thought I'd say this, but if I wasn't in medicine, I would be even more unhappy. Having denied it since starting medical school, but academics really make me happy....it's painful, I won't deny it. Sitting in a room alone reading Robbins or First-Aid is terrible, but that's what I am all about. Hmm..besides my family, all I need is medicine and a gym...pretty simple, I guess.

Well, having someone to share my daily experience wouldn't be such a bad thing....but I don't think I am cut out for relationships. My OCD would drive that person away, but maybe I just need to meet another OCD person.

Oh, I am also growing out my hair...haven't had a hair cut in 4 months. My hair are starting curl right under my eyebrows.....but I refuse to get a hair-cut. In the mornings I have true indian-fro :) I am gonna get back to research now...

Post-test

2006-02-14T22:13:00.000-08:00

Friday, February 10th: The panic for my Monday exam set in early that morning. Lying, huddled in the fetal position on my futon at 5 a.m. I tried to recall the drugs used for anesthesia and their side effects to no avail. I tried to fall asleep, but I was way too stressed out to sleep anymore.

From that point on, I studied for about 50 hrs, pulled an all nighter for Sunday night, took the exam, surprised a good friend with birthday cake, took him out to a club later that night, and came back home on Monday night around 11 pm to crash...back on the futon. But, I almost forgot, I took part in a male pelvic exam before going to the club. Now, let me tell you. I am not comfortable holding another man's penis. I know I know, I am in medicine, and it's part of my profession, but I just have so much difficulty with the concept. Maybe it's the hidden Jatt within me that abhors this idea of massaging the ventral and dorsal part's of another man's "sausages"..but this feeling of awkwardness is too hard to overcome. Needlesss to say, I will not be going to Urology, and for that matter OB/GYN.

Anyhow, I woke up 7 a.m on Tuesday to attend 3 hrs of class, take a quiz, and go to my small group session. Finished the day with some research. Watched House M.D.

Today's Valentine's Day. I don't like this day.

Dick Cheney's hilarious.

If you are Indian, and you have not seen Rang De Basanti, SHAME ON YOU!! :D Part of the movie was shot at my birthplace. Now that's cool.

So, I wore a pink shirt today. But I don't like Valentine's Day. People asked me what I was going to do today. Local newspapers published stories about Valentine's Day. T.V. commercials pandered to the male population with gift ideas. If I had it my way, I would give Victoria's Secret lingerie as a gift. But then again, it's just MY opinion.

A local university is hosting a international (if you think Canada is a separate country from the US) bhangra competition. I am only going to the afterparty. There will be a fight.

My sister would crush me if I was a medical student under her. She's right, I don't know much medicine. In fact, I can't even read EKGs very well.

She has most of the objective talents: hard-working, intelligent, excellent singer
I have none of those qualities.

I make friends easily.

I'd like to consider myself a hard-ass, but I am a softy.

I'd like to consider myself disciplined, but I am pretty random.

World of medicine is small. Reputations stick!!!

2006-02-07T17:25:00.000-08:00

I rarely write anything premediated. Anyhow, I see myself becoming increasingly agitated with my surroundings, the people around, school work, my own inadequacies, and finally, social conventions. My surroundings: maybe I am spoiled, but I am tired of living in California. The nice weather just doesn't do it for me anymore. I don't enjoy the diversity or having to drive everywhere. Maybe I am just tired because of having lived in the same darn place for the past 15 years--Nor. Cal. Most of my life has been spent in one or another kind of 'academic-suburbia'. It's gotten just so boring. The same old soccer moms speeding or cutting me off in the their HYBRID LEXUS SUVs. That angst among all the kids to get to the Top 10 colleges. That obsessiveness with supreme pr0fessional and monetary success. That underhanded plastic self-deprecating tone and comments. That need, especially in the Indian community, to bolster one's family over another. Typical conversations I was privy to were aggravating when I was younger. An Indian uncle/auntie (add the accent in your head when you read the comments): "yes yes, my son's going to some school on the East Coast (silence.....). He got into Harvard, Yale, and Princeton. He's going to Princeton b/c of his immense political acumen at such a young age..blah blah"; Now, the conversations have shifted from SATs to USMLEs and undegrad to med. schools. Recently one family friend came over and started the following coversation. "So...hmm..yeah life has been really good lately. Oh, let me tell you something that happened a few days ago.____ came up to me and said 'Papa, guess what I got on myUSMELs'. Obviously, I couldn't guess. HE GOT A 260". My parents look over towards me to give THE EYE (see how great their son is). Then I got the lecture: "you're going to a great school, and we expect a return on our 40K/yr investment. We want you to get a 260 as well." :rolleyes: It just doesn't end in my family.

The people: I just can't stand plastic smiles, fake friendly gestures, small talks anymore. I CAN'T. I am gonna talk to you if I like you, more likely I don't give a fck about you or your life. I just don't say much anymore. That's my new mantra in life. I smile if I want to...I talk if I want...I'll be social if I want to...otherwise, I stay reserve and do my own thang. This has been quite a change from the usual "crowd-pleasing" personality I had. I am beginning to realize that I am a very serious individual. Tyring to be funny or pleasant isn't easy for me. It takes energy.

This revealing of not HAVING to do anything I don't WANT to has made my life so much more simple.

Anyways enough of a negative rant. The more interesting/juicy part is my 'singledom'. This state of freedom and lassie faire has it's drawbacks. I know I shouldn't feel old at 23, but I am beginning to, and with realization of one's age comes loneliness. Anyways, my friends are constantly trying to set me up with girls. I realized, what they haven't, that I am not the "boyfriend-type". I am selfish, extremely childish in my personal life, and intensly obsessive about the people I love (mother, father, and sister...that's IT). In fact, with my recent developments of "not HAVING to do ANYTHING that I don't WANT" I have become even more chilled about girls. I don't really want to date (I think my parents really appreciate that). If I do, there has to be potential. So, I told one of my friend's my criteria. She was aghast with the specificity within that criteria. So, here it is:

Physical parts:
1.) HAS to be shorter than 5' 5" ( I am 5' 7")
2.) Has to be skinnier than me (I weight 140 lbs)
3.) Has to have long hair (short hair=butch)
4.) Fairer than me is preferable

Now, the important part
Background:
1.) Sikh
2.) Jatt
3.) in medicine

Personality
1.) CONSERVATIVE (i.e. religious)
2.) Shouldn't be a social-butterfly (I like dorky girls...the one's who are happy with watching a movie at home, and not having to go out every frickin' Friday to a club)
3.) compassionate
4.) HUMBLE
5.) academically accomplished
6.) confident in her beliefs

So, when I presented this criteria to my friend, she nearly fell out of her chair. I know, I know there probably isn't a girl like this out there, but I refuse to budge. Until then, I will continue to live like a hermit, and watch movies/play basketball/stay dorky

:)

-Harp

I am screwed...

2006-01-21T20:58:00.000-08:00

I had promised myself that I would study everyday. But as usual, my lack of self-discipline has lead to the usual procastination, and NOW with about 24 hrs to go for my exam, I am royally SCREWED. I don't have enough time to master this material before Monday morning. Even though my sister made me promise no "all-nighters"..I can't escape this time. MUST STAY UP. grrr....i hate med. school sometimes....my brain is floating in a sea of words "fibroadenoma....stroma....Staph. aureus..infections". Must get back to studying. I'll post a post-test blog..

Back in school

2006-01-16T15:39:00.000-08:00

After completing the 2 hr. drive back to school from home, I watched 3 consecutive hrs. of lecture of dermatology. Whew!!! I have just learned to diagnose melanoma or precursors to a melanoma. Well, at least I think I can...:) Anyhow, dermatology has some fancy words for what I call bumps on skins---papules, hamartomas, nevi. I guess that's what my parents are shelling out nearly 60K per year...learning about fancy-shmancy names. But the coolest...ahh..it's rather cruel to refer to necrotizing fascitis as a cool...but what an interesting clinical presentation. The pictures of patients suffering from it were horrifying. One male had all of his genital area resected. In other words, the surgeons simply CUT it ALL out. Amazing stuff. I guess, one really starts to feel medicine is a great field when one learns about saving patient's lives with timely medical attention (proper medications) and surgery.
Sometimes, I do wonder that if the education difference between a supposedly an elite med. school or a regular med. school is all that significant. Sure, we have a few more nobelaureates and hot-shot names, but besides that..i can't think of much of a difference. Research opportunities are great...eh..I am just thinking aloud. I wonder how i'll feel after my loans.
My mommy packed me tons of indian food : daal, aloo-de-parathas, and some nans from the post-funeral family gathering. I met some of my family after 14 years. I can't believe it..that time has flown by so fast. I still remembering playing soccer (i like to call it football) in the front yard with cousins or racing on our bikes in the opens lots next to the lake or my crush...hahah...funny moments from childhood definitely rejuvenated me. And now, I have responsiblity of dealing with ill and vulnerable patients. Anyhow, I better eat some of that yummy food now.

Home for the long weekend

2006-01-14T21:42:00.000-08:00

This is my first post, and I am inclined to mention that this blog may not be the most stimulating, politically or medically, for I will try to post events (generally, very banal) as these concurrently happen in my life. In addition, I do not hold some illusion as to consider my writing to be of some literary importance. Just a warning!
Anyhow, I drove back home on Friday afternoon after conveniently missing my afternoon classes on ID. I had planned, about a week ago, to study some for the boards and for my upcoming exam during this weekend, but that schedule melted away when I learned of my Grandmother's passing away this past Wednesday. But I have managed to study some breast pathology and viral infections. Then I spent the afternoon watching, rather wasted, watching the Patriots lose. YIKES!! Brady's 10-0 streak gone. Perfect post-season obliterated. OUCH!!
Oh, I should mention something about myself :) I am, fortunately and unfortunately (I'll try to explain the dichotomy some other time) a medical student. Hence, my life is consumed with reading, practicing, and talking about medicine. Background: 23 year old male, Indian, Punjabi, Jatt Sikh. For the uninitiated, Punjab is part of Northern India, predominant populated by Sikhs (a religion!), and Jatt refers to the caste. I am sure some might think, why mention the caste---it's simply for identification purposes. There aren't many of us that are blogging, so why not.
So, now that the formalities are taken care of, I shall try to update this more often, but can't promise. Ooh, more information I should impart in this first post. I am from California. Specifically, Nor. Cal. and I go to school here.
Well, that's it for now. I must get to learning about the epidemiology of Ductal Carcinoma In-Situ...fun stuff.